I didn’t want to die at 18.
But I remember sitting at my desk, surrounded by my fellow classmates. The teacher was passing out these forms required by the government. “You must fill out this card to register for the draft,” he said.
The way I was raised, and at that period in time, I was in no position to question authority. You did what you were told to do, by your parents, your teachers, or any elder in fact. Your wants and needs were secondary if not irrelevant. “Shut up, do as you’re told”.
Punishment was swift and severe for non-compliance. I guess you could say we lived in fear. But is fear always such a bad thing? Especially if it sets a course of action that frees you from having to wonder what to do all the time?
Don’t we need some motivation to stay on the proper track?
How much easier it is for a train to travel than a boat. Once the tracks are set, the engineer simply controls the speed and the the tracks will take him there. A ship’s captain has to worry about speed and course, water and wind conditions. There are an infinite number of paths he could take, each one requiring constant adjustment as he travels. Plus, there is always the possibility that a white-sanded, palm waving island of tanned, exotic, bikini-clad, goddesses will lure him off course. (That might just be me though. Never mind!)
The train engineer has a much easier job than the ship’s captain. Straight ahead, or reverse? Not many choices to make there.
Life runs more easily on tracks too.
Once upon a time, if you were a coal miner, your son would be too. Same with domestic help. Or if your parents were doctors, you would likely be one too. Same with a butcher, a baker, or a candle-stick maker.
If you were Lord, then your heirs would be too. If you were slave, your kids would be too.
Life was easier. It ran on tracks. Fewer decisions. But easier should not be confused with “better”.
Now, we are raised to believe we can be anything we dream we can be!
We feed off Henry Ford’s encouragement, “Whether you think you can or you cannot, you are right”.
We believe in Napoloeon Hill’s “Think and Grow Rich” and sit on the couch listening to “The Secret” as we try to think ourselves rich too.
Henry and Napoleon were right. Mindset is a factor key to success. But most people fall short when their actions fail to rise to the level of their thoughts.
The tracks have been removed. Suddenly all paths are possible.
We were just kids drawing with crayons. Suddenly, we’re the ship’s captain. We have a lot of choices to make. And like the mighty oceans, waves of consequence can be harsh, unpredictable. Often we fear to act. We fear decision and indecision.
“What if we choose the wrong course?” What if…?
In sales and psychology circles, it is a well know fact that a confused mind does nothing. It’s paralyzed.
And that’s where we are now. Paralyzed by choice.
“The paradox of choice” says that the too many choices are not better than too few choices. It’s easy to be happy and satisfied when you only have to choose between Coke or Sprite. You make your choice and are pretty sure you picked correctly. You are happy. Content.
But when there is an entire store aisle full of teas and sports drinks, Coke varieties and Pepsi varieties, juices and waters galore, no matter which you pick, you are less happy because you feel uncertain afterward. “Maybe something else would have been better? Did I miss out?”
Which career path should I take? Which mate should I choose? Who will be my friend?
Too many choices leads to discontent.
We are running without rails. We’re all over the place.
So how do you get back on track?
And what does all this have to do with the “real” cause of loneliness?
Loneliness is the failure to choose. A failure to choose service over self.
Loneliness is a pre-occupation with self over service to others.
In 1943, psychologist Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs theory sort of predicted that this epidemic of loneliness would occur.
His theory states that as soon as the human’s most basic needs are met, the human seeks to fulfill a higher need.
For example, we can’t worry about finding a mate, when our most urgent need is to find food and water. We must tend to our most basic survival needs before we can worry about, “Are we happy?”.
Civilization is such now, that most of us have no worries over food and water. Level one. Level two has also been taken care of, shelter and safety.
So now we are at Level 3, Social needs.
And we’re stumped.
We are more technologically connected than ever before via smartphones and the internet, yet we feel less connected deep inside. We may have more contacts than ever, but they seem more superficial, more transactional, less personal.
So we’re sad more. We’re depressed more. We’re lonely.
We used to be busy providing for all our basic needs. Now we have the safety net our first-world status provides so we get to worry about such things as how we “feel”.
I submit however, that we cannot feel lonely while diligently in service to others.
When you are busy giving the kids a bath, or helping them with their homework, are you feeling lonely?
When you’re racing to get your project at work done before the close of day, are you feeling lonely?
When the old lady next door sticks her head out the window and ask you to go to the store for her, are you feeling lonely?
When you hold the door at the store for the family with a stroller, or the old man with his walker, are you feeling lonely?
No. No. No, and No.
When we are busy, fully engaged in helping others, it is impossible to feel lonely at the same time.
So, follow me then,
- We can’t feel lonely while helping others.
- Helping others makes US feel good.
- Others feel good because they got help.
Everyone wins!
What if the real reason we are lonely is because we are not helping enough people?
What if the cure for loneliness was helping more people? Being useful.
Don’t we sometimes feel useless when we are lonely? Don’t we sometimes feel a lack of value to others?
Service to others fixes both.
I started this post with a military reference for a purpose. One which I will reveal now because I think it holds a key we have not yet turned to unlock the solution to our loneliness.
I didn’t want to die at 18 years of age. Still don’t at 50.
So how does the military convince a bunch of “kids” to get excited, go off to war, endure horrible mental and physical conditions, and be motivated to die for their country?
The answer is service.
By convincing these men and women that their job is important. They are part of something bigger than themselves. “Self” is forgotten in the military. You fight and die for a cause. For the soldier to your left and to your right. For the weaker ones at home.
The military has tracks. Do it this way. Follow the code above all else. We will decide for you. Follow the orders.
I’m not in favor of “military forces”. I hate that there is a need for them at all. But I recognize that they have developed a highly effective system for getting people to get out from their own heads, where unhappiness dwells, and put themselves in the service of something greater.
We can motivate young men and women to risk their lives, yet we cannot get ourselves out of bed, or off the couch, or out the door to help one another. We’d rather whine and fill out surveys proclaiming, “we are lonely”.
Why are you lonely? Service clubs like the Elks and Rotary are dying from lack of membership. Attendance at church services is at an all time low. Is it a coincidence that we are simultaneously feeling more lonely?
The real cause for the loneliness epidemic is our lack of service to others. And the fix is obvious.
Volunteer. Become a part of something bigger than yourself. A cause.
When you become preoccupied with service, you will feel valued, and needed, and cared about.
Isn’t that why you’re feeling lonely anyway?
Do more. Isn’t that the solution to so many things?
Instead of thinking about how you could be happy, or less lonely, be thinking about how you could be helping.
Happiness will come from your helping.
We are guided by the questions we ask. Questions are our tracks. Ask better, more empowering questions.
Ask, “Who and how can I help?”
Then do it!
We don’t have a mandatory military draft system now, but maybe we are doing our young men and women a disservice now by not requiring a draft into volunteerism?
Imagine a one year stint, serving one on one with others to help make the world, or a community better, or a cause succeed. What if they could form life-long bonds with others just as military servicemen do?
Ha-ha! I can hear the parents screaming now. “Not fair! You can’t do that! You can’t tell people what to do, that’s unconstitutional!”
These would the same single parents who claim they are lonely, but who do not serve. Setting a fine example for their kids to be lonely too. The butcher, the baker the candle-stick maker. Like father, like son.
“Go on Jimmy. You too Jane. Take your cell phones now and go into your room. Big brother can’t tell you what to do. Go be happy.”
“But mom, I’m lonely.”
“Bene Vivere!”
ElderBob Schwarztrauber
P.S. I’m just now putting the finishing touches on my new book which offers 31 ways to fight the loneliness epidemic. Be sure to signup now so you can be the first to know when it’s released.
