It’s easy to one day find yourself feeling isolated, alone. Especially as we grow older. Especially after 50.
The kids aren’t calling. Brothers and sisters aren’t either.
Friends are silent. Folks are gone.
When the silence is suddenly broken by the ringing of the telephone we get excited. Only to discover it’s just another sales call. Telemarketers. Spam. Or the doctor’s office confirming our appointment.
It’s not uncommon to internalize all of this. To feel as if no one is interested in us. No longer interested in what we are doing. Or in doing things with us. Because, “Why would they?” we think.
It’s self pity. And it can become a dangerous, self-fulfilling prophecy.
The more we feel and project this feeling of worthlessness, through our body language and the words we use (often in the form of complaining), the less people do want to hang out with us. And rightly so. We become a real downer in that state. A gloomy Gus! Or Gertrude.
Whenever I’ve found myself sinking into the abyss of loneliness, and self-pity, or helped others escape the vortex, here are 7 things that seem to work the best to pull out of it…
7 ways to feel less lonely – feel good again:
- Put on a happy face. Yes, it may be hard when you’re feeling down. But there are actual scientific studies which show that changing our physical self changes our mental self. It’s hard to feel down when your mouth is turning up.
- Exercise. Again, it’s the body influencing the mind. You won’t get more energy sitting around. But a brisk walk, preferably outdoors, will make you feel more alive. More energized. A walk around the mall will work too, if the weather’s bad. Or, find a workout, or yoga, or tai chi video you can do on YouTube. Hit the gym. Fire up the exercise bike. Or take a Bike ride. Paddle. Or garden.
- Practice something. Do something. Make something with your hands. When you have a hobby or interest that you are striving to get better at, you become more energized, more interesting. You have something positive to talk about and that excitement shows in your face. You give off an energy vibe that people will find attractive. People are drawn to energy. Give off some.
- Be a Giver – instead of waiting for others to come to you, go to them with a give. Offer to babysit if it’s grandkids. Offer to shop for them. Offer to bring them something you made. Offer to take them out to lunch, or to shop, or just for ice cream or coffee. If you have no friends or family nearby to give to, volunteer opportunities abound. Giving is a great way to make yourself feel good, by making others feel good.
- Make the Call – instead of waiting for others to call you, you make the call. Imagine, everyone sitting around waiting for the other person to call. The phone would never ring! You take the initiative. Make the call. Ask. Invite. Or just say, “Hey, whacha been up to?” And go from there.
- Practice the 3-C’s – In his timeless book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People“, one of the key tenants Dale Carnegie espouses in relating well to others is practicing the 3-C’s. They are: Don’t Criticize, Condemn, or Complain. People tire of these quickly. They already have enough problems in their life without someone adding their own negativity. Be uplifting. Give sincere compliments. Be that one person they can count on to always find the silver lining. Be the one they look forward to seeing because you make them feel good. You make them smile or laugh. Or, they can just relax and be themselves with you, without fear of judgement or criticism.
- Read “The Blessings in You” often. Each of us is unique and has an important something to share with the world. If your small “world” isn’t responding well, or interacting with you in the way that you wish, maybe it’s time to explore new “worlds”. Make new friends. Join new clubs. Taking a class is often a good way to find and meet new people who share your ideas and interests. I covered that extensively in a previous post.
There are billions of people on this planet currently. And the internet connects nearly all of us.
One study conducted in 2008 by the anthropologist Robin Dunbar found that the average person has around 150 acquaintances, family relations or casual friends, 50 closer friends, and 15 good friends. This has become known as the “Dunbar’s number” and suggests that humans may have a cognitive limit to the number of stable social relationships they can maintain. Many folks have just 1 or 2 best friends that they regularly talk to, or do things with.
But the advent of social media like Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and other digital platforms and learning annexes has made it possible for people to connect with more individuals than ever before, potentially increasing the size of your social networks well beyond Dunbar’s number.
Famed psychologist Jordan Peterson often says in his lectures, “If the people you are talking to aren’t listening, stop talking to them!” The bible verse emplores, “Don’t cast your pearls before swine”.
Meaning, pearls are quite valuable – most people would agree. But they have zero value to a pig!
What you have to say has value, but only when set before those who can appreciate it.
Your words, your thoughts, your hobbies, your interests, YOU have value. But only to the people who are in tune with what you do. Not everyone is. And people change over time. Your old friends may have changed their interests. Your kids may have too. As sad as that may be to you, there may be others who need you now. Seek them. For you need them too!
Loneliness and feelings of worthlessness can grip us all from time to time.
The way out will not be found, however, by waiting for others to affirm your value. You alone must affirm it from within, or do something to create that feeling within. Only then can it shine without, as a beacon, calling and drawing near those who can appreciate it.
Calling out to your people. Your new people. Or your old friends renewed.
You can’t change others, no matter how hard you wish or try. And you can’t make them do what you want them to do. You can only change you, what you do, or the people you’re talking to.
It’s a big, big world out there and someone, somewhere, needs someone like you.
Keep searching, don’t rush. There’s a lot to go through.
Remember as you search to be grateful each day for the blessings in you.
Count them. Create more. Share them.
We may not enjoy telemarketers calling, ads on TV, or reminders of our appointments, but these folks understand that expecting others to remember you can be dicey. People get busy. Forget.
We need reminders. Whether we like them or not.
Remind others from time to time of the value, the gifts you bring.
Then bring’m!
“Bene Vivere!
Your friend,
Elderbob
P.S. Feel free to copy, save, and or share “The Blessings In You” poem above so you can keep it near. Simply right-mouse-click on the poem and select “save as” or “copy”.
