Tell me if you’ve heard this one (hint…I already know you have).
“Doctor! Doctor! It hurts when I go like this,” patient says moving his arm.
“Don’t go like that,” doctor replies. “Next!”
On a quick, conscious level, that makes sense. If it causes pain, don’t do it. Perfectly sensible right?
But in the real world, it doesn’t work that way. In the real world, pain almost always precedes growth.
I like to give credit where credit is due and say that today’s topic of pain was inspired by an interview I heard with Mark Manson, author of the best selling book, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck”.
Mark touched upon this whole topic of avoiding pain. In his usual frank and contrarian way, he said, “No! Accept the pain. That’s when growth occurs”.
Which got me thinking…
Babies learning to walk fall down and cry. We never say, “Oh sweety, enough of that trying to walk. Stay down there on the floor so you don’t get hurt no more.”
When the marathon runner in training says, “Oh my legs are so sore!” we don’t encourage him to stop because it hurts, we recognize that pain is necessary for growth. “Suck it up!” we say. “Deal with it.”
Those are physical growth issues you might argue. Sure, pain is needed for muscle and body growth. Mental pain and anguish is different though.
Oh really?
Homework is exhausting. Should we outlaw that, just let the kids play? “Hey, teacher. Leave those kids alone.”
Breakups are devastating. “One date Jimmy, then quit if it doesn’t work out. You can be single the rest of your life and be happy.”
We like to tell ourselves that pain is bad. Avoid it. But avoiding it means we stay stuck.
I say run straight into the pain. Accept the pain and decide what you’re going to do about it.
Accept the pain of daily exercise. Mentally and physically. Know that this mild discomfort you are experiencing now is leading to growth. Know that a little pain now is better than all the pains you might experience in a wheelchair later if you continue to do nothing to improve your health.
Accept the pain of being alone.
Pain is our body telling us something is wrong, something needs to be fixed.
Use that pain to do something about your situation. In my new book, which should be finished soon, I outline more than 30 ways to meet and make new friends and find lovers too.
But before the book can be effective for you, you have to accept that meeting new people, starting conversations with strangers, getting your butt up off the couch to go out and do it, are all activities that might seem painful to you at first.
Trying new things, like the baby does walking, can be painful. But avoiding the pain of change means you’re stuck with the pain of staying the same and lonely.
If you’re going to experience pain either way, why not choose the pain which offers a way out?
I know, I know. I can hear you now. “But some pain is chronic, like back pain or nerve pain. It doesn’t go away.”
Yes, I understand that. And the solution for your happiness is still the same. Accept the pain.
American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr said it well in his oft heard Serenity Prayer:
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.”
Peace and happiness come from accepting the things you cannot change.
Accept the pain. The resulting power to cope will be your growth.
Some physical pain cannot be changed. But you can always change your mind. You can change how you feel about the pain. You can always choose to feel better about yourself and the world.
There’s a book I wrote a while back that has helped countless people feel better about themselves.
It’s not the typical self-help book of answers and anecdotes. It’s not stories of how all these wonderful people found success and so now you can too. It’s not a book of advice at all.
This book is all about you.
Instead of blanket answers, solutions that are supposed to apply to all, this is a book of questions. Very specific questions.
Questions about you, that draw out and define the best OF YOU.
I firmly believe, that except for a few psychopaths and ne’er-do-wells, most people are really good. They have talents hidden deep within that they often ignore, or have just looked at from the wrong or a negatively biased perspective.
“We are our own harshest critics,” it has been said.
I think that’s true. We often mistake our genuine talent for something that is easy, simply because it is easy for us. But that very thing we do so easily may well be quite a challenge for another. And the the very thing we think makes us unattractive to others may be the very thing others love most about us. Our perspective is our bias. But it doesn’t make it true.
If two people hold a giant globe together, one on each side, and are asked to describe the world, they will each have something different to say.
Who’s right and who is wrong. They are both right. They are just seeing the same thing from a different perspective. How you see yourself is not necessarily how others see you. They have a different perspective… who’s right? Who’s wrong? Who knows!
“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think,”
said little Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh.
“Silly old bear.”
“Silly old you!” Seek out and accept a new perspective.
My favorite book, “Gratitude Journal and Family Fun Activity Book” provides a new, happier, healthier perspective on you, your life, your talents and your value to others. You can’t read one page without feeling better about yourself.
Pain is ever present in one form or another. To wish for a pain free existence is to wish for boredom, disease and despair.
Pain is necessary for growth and to encourage growth.
The sooner you accept pain, and then act in spite of it, the sooner you will grow mentally and physically and become a happier, healthier person as a result.
The “doctor, doctor” gag is a joke.
Your life, your happiness, your health is no joke.
I exercise at home every day, despite the Elder’s annoying desire to nap. But once a week, usually Sunday morning, I haul my butt to the gym for a workout using weights. I expect to feel some muscle soreness by late Monday. If I don’t experience that pain, I feel my gym time was wasted. I expect to feel pain in my muscles the next day, signifying that I stretched my capabilities just a little. I forced my muscles to grow to meet the new challenge placed upon them. “No pain, no gain.”
As with all sayings, cliches, quotations, there’s a little bit of truth involved, but it’s not the whole truth. Obviously not all pain is gain. Some pain does means stop! But I think we’ve become too much like the Elder…looking always for a reason, an excuses to relax, to take it easy.
But the easy way is not always the best way.
If you’re not happy now, here’s a challenging perspective:
Maybe you actual need more pain in your life.
Maybe you’re just too comfortable.
You’re used to this level of income. It’s easier to eat Ramen noodles
every night and complain than to figure out how to earn more money.
You’re used to being too fat. The pain you feel when you look in the mirror or when you walk is more comfortable than the pain of sticking to a healthier meal plan.
You’re used to sitting alone watching TV every night. The pain of loneliness is familiar, you’ve been dealing with it a long time now. The pain of going out and talking to people is too hard you expect. So you sit, sad and alone.
Sometimes people are motivated to change by the carrot. The reward of better things. The prize at the end of some hardship or pain.
Mostly though, and sadly, some people need to get whacked with a big darned stick to change.
Heart attacks, strokes, cancer. These are big sticks. These pains often cause people to change their life in a big way. And quickly too!
We’re stubborn. Me too. But I do try every day to do one thing that’s just a little bit uncomfortable.
Each day I invite a little pain into my life for growth.
Maybe it a little more pain in your life would help you too?
Accept the pain. Make a daily date with pain – to grow. Invite some in today.
“I can’t _________because it hurts.”
How’s that tired excuse been working for you lately?
Maybe by avoiding pain, you’re avoiding the very thing you need to grow.
“You can make excuses or you can make progress, but not both.”
“Bene Vivere!”
ElderBob Schwarztrauber
